Before
McBaby #1 was born almost six years ago, my grandmother told me “life is going
to get very bright”. Oh, I had no idea what I was in
for. “Sito” (Arabic for grandmother), as we call her, was so
right. Until you’ve come to the other side (that’s parent-speak for
becoming one of us), you can’t fully know the experience of parenthood of
course. Unspeakable joy, unbridled wonder, unconditional love; loads
of laughter, heaps of hugs, countless cuddles.
What
she didn’t share was that it would be coupled with intense
darkness. I wonder often why, upon asking, none of our grandmothers
seem to remember darkness. Is it me? Is it my
inadequacy? I’ve landed on the fact that it must be them. (When in
doubt, blame someone else…) Maybe times were simpler? Maybe
demands were less? Likely, they simply have amnesia...
no wait, Gramnesia. (Wocka wocka.) Somehow, the good Lord
has allowed them to forget the sleepless nights, the never-ending laundry and
dishes, the worry about a sick-with-what-exactly child, and the bone-weary
fatigue that comes in droves when multiple littles are at home – and none of
them can wipe their own rear. For me, the darkness of
post-partum anxiety and depression has fallen over me like an oppressive cloud hanging
dangerously low at times. Light and dark. Isn’t this the
way? The only way to truly appreciate the sun, the dawn, is to have
wandered around after dusk and stumbled around through the night before?
My
heart hangs heavy tonight. I am left to my own demise as all the
McBabies are asleep and McHubz is upstairs reading. Me and my
thoughts and the good Lord Jesus in this sacred room where children sing,
toddlers play, and babies stare at their hands and find the one dangerous thing
left out to put in their mouths.
As
we started to talk through the specifics of our summer plans, one mention of
the calendar and vacation and it’s like a game of Jenga or pick-up
sticks. You move one piece and you’re nearer to
collapse. No plan is an island… or something like that. We
talk about the calendar and it reminds me of the looming date… August
1. The day McBaby #1 starts kindergarten. Mention summer and
about 8 Jenga pieces have been pulled out simultaneously. It is
heavy. I am fearful. I already grieve time without my
Grandmother – playing cards, playing piano - multiple times a
week. I tear up at the thought of not seeing my Jido (Arabic for
Grandfather) again on this side of the thin places – baking bread, gathering
around the table all the time as well. Will I have this heaviness
upon sending my five-year-old-McBaby to school and miss what was for the last
nearly-six years? I’m scared. And no matter-of-fact,
circle-o’-life, get-your-head-out-of-the-sand,
it’s-your-job-to-raise-your-child-independent-of-you, pullin’ it together talk
will set me better. This is the pain of childbirth.
Genesis
speaks of this pain. And I’ve alluded to it before too on blog
posts. Does childbirth hurt? Duh. Does Dolly
Parton float? Is the Pope Catholic? I’ve had 2 natural
births. Yes, that means no drugs at all. It’s intense -
yet I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It’s also why I had my 3rd with an epidural. Jury
is out on what I would choose if there is a next time. Surely, that alone isn’t
the pain of childbirth though. That is short-lived, relatively
speaking to the scope of a lifetime. For me, right now, the pain of
childbirth is watching each McBaby be reborn into a new season every time I
turn around. Light and dark. Bitter and sweet. I
am preparing to help birth my child into her own new season this fall and I am
pregnant with the weight of it. I am unsure about the delivery of
it. I am ill-equipped for the newborn state of it because I’ve never
done this. This is light and this is dark. In the
beginning, God created the light and the dark; every tension comes back to this
dichotomy now; childbirth is one I will have to face as long as I am a mother,
which is as long as I live. Come Lord Jesus into these tiny cracks
and guide me as You conceive all new things.
Would
you consider posting below and answering what has carried you in these
transitions?
Pics: McBaby #1 @ 5 years old; McBaby #2 @ 3 years old; McBaby #3 @ 7 months old; Easter day after too much candy, too much stimulation, and too much bribery to get them back into their Easter outfits for one more shot... proof that we survived Easter 2013. Thank you for appeasing me peeps.
Hey Sarah!
ReplyDeleteI so relate with your pain... and please believe me, it does pass away---actually much faster than you might expect. Our kids are 12 and 15 now, but I don't have amnesia for the pre-school years---they were HARD. My mom warned me; she said "those years were exhausting; sometimes I would get supper on the table and put my head down and fall asleep." I remember feeling like it was a triumph when I actually got a shower (although the price was often a crying baby outside my shower curtain) or got out of my pajamas. Everybody else seemeed to make it look easy (from the outside). But that constant need and dependency was so draining for me. A good anti-depressant helped for the post-partum years, but it was still survival time, with moments of bliss and brilliance. Hang in there! They grow up...very fast!
Erin
Thank you so much for your insights and encouragement Erin! It seems that they do go so fast... if only I could nap and freeze time and re-enter it fully aware! :0
DeleteThe transition to Kindergarten wasn't as difficult for me only because Gabby had been in full-time preschool by that time. Had I continued to stay at home with her, I know it would have been more difficult. I had already become accustomed to letting go a bit, but when full-time preschool/daycare started, it was hard. I didn't like the idea of someone else holding her when she got boo-boos and the idea of "fending" for herself against the mean kids. At the same time, I realized it was easy to look at the situation selfishly and say this is what "I" am missing out on versus this is what my child is "gaining." I truly believe once you see how happy Soren will be in kindergarten, your feelings will change. You will see her blossom academically, creatively, and socially. She will learn to make more decisions for herself than she has ever had to before, and that will help her at home to be a better sister and daughter. Just remember that she still has 13 years until she graduates from high school, but cherish each day as if she is leaving tomorrow. I give Gabby as many daily snuggles as I can, but I do often step back and recognize that she is turning into a little lady...and I'm okay with it. ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! I'm sure McBaby #1 will likely love school this same way! Glad that's been the case with Gabby. Hope to catch you guys sometime soon!
DeleteSarah,
ReplyDeleteMy 3 littles are within months of the same ages of yours so I can relate to what you post just about every time.
I too am mourning the idea of Kindergarten for Eliza in the fall. She, like Soren, loves to read and learn and I know the school environment will be fantastic for her development. I also know it will be great for my boys to have more attention and decision making power during play as sister tends to "direct" most of the pretend scenerios they find themselves in. I know there is much good in the next season but it is still hard.
I suppose kindergarten represents the beginning if the school years in which we slowly must keep letting go and allow other voices of influence (teachers/peers) to be present. This is hard because we have relatively less and less control of the every moment. My prayer is that God's voice will become the guiding one and mine will still be pretty important too.
Thanks for beautifully putting into words feelings I have had but not completely processed.
Emily
Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. Thank you for reminding me that you are still living and well while being in the same season as me! :) Your prayer is beautiful for your children.
DeleteOh break my heart! The pains of being a mommma. I can handle (someday's with the help of a glass of wine or a bit of chocolate) the messes, the attitudes, the having-to-remind-kids-one-hundred-times-to-pick-up-their-coat-off-the-floor....but letting go. That is the stinger. I run into this journey face first, belly flop, and just trust that God has it all under control. My little boy is becoming a man these days, he will start middle school after the summer! My chubby baby Ellyana no longer has those squishable cheeks, and is becoming a young woman day by day....and I am now thrown into yet another phase of being a parent. I try each day to do what I can, and some days I have to apologize to my kids (and give my journal a beating), but at the end of this journey I just trust they know how much I love them and did the best I could, because I am human too. Love to your beautiful family! And keep writing, you are amazing at it:)
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading, responding, and spurring me on! Yes, as you mentioned at the end, that's really all we can do. Blessings to you!
DeleteWe are within weeks of finishing our first kindergarten experience. It will be our only kindergarten experience. My sweet girl handled it like a champ from day 1. She is blessed-smart, witty, friendly, confident...all the things that make school easy. As Mommy, however, I constantly wonder and reconsider our choices as parents. Is school the best place for her? Is she getting everything she needs to be the best little person she can be? I know God holds her more dearly than I do. I also understand the pain that you are talking about. She is my only. My one little. Letting go is no harder for me than it is for you-it is just a little emptier. Quieter. More final. I pray and pray and pray. For her. For us as her parents. The pain of letting go is also coming with the joy of watching her. Reading books all by herself. Writing her own stories. Telling me all about her friends. Hearing good things about her from her others. Much joy. Many smiles and sighs of relief. Will I ever trust enough to truly let go. I will. I must.
ReplyDelete"The pain of letting go is also coming with the joy of watching her"... such sweet words as you watch growth. Thanks for sharing!
DeleteSarah, this literally pregnant mama could not resist responding to your writing prompt....I mean, invitation to comment on your thought-provoking and feeling-provoking words :). Your timing hits me this week when our first baby turns 8. As I thought about it, I realized that when she went to kindergarten nearly three years ago I was at this exact same point in pregnancy with #2 as I am now with #3-just entering the third trimester. In only this short time, I, too, have some amnesia. Was I sad? Probably...I was pregnant!
ReplyDeleteTransitions. Light and Dark. What you are referring to are the(forgive me)horrible glasses, which, on TV, look so stylish and practical as they automatically change to protect your eyes from the sun. In reality, however, they just always seem a bit gray, like a cloud of depression that filters the light. My solution is to remove the murky glasses and exchange them for a rose-colored pair. That's right-looking on the bright side, finding joy in the every day.:) To do this, I have to be very intentional. First, surrender-my kids, my priorities, my life to what God has in store each day. Then knowledge-through written word and other resources I need to learn more about the thing that gives me angst. With the kindergarten transition, it was learning more about the school and forging relationships with other moms at school, learning that we have a Christian principal and Christian counselor and many wonderful teachers who give so much. Then I process- with lots of words :) through journaling and prayer and scripture, letting myself feel what I am feeling, taking time to ruminate, let it steep, and often have dialogue with wise friends who have gone this way before. Then I consider experience-that of my friends or family and myself. I have to remember that I usually get all worked up about some new thing, and the child breezes through it with no problem. Finally it all comes to a close with my grounding husband saying simply, "honey, I really think its time for you to just go ahead and get the epidural". :)
By the way- I think you will still be at the same elementary school as us-I'd like to invite you to come pray with us 1-2 times per month for our kids and our school at Moms in Prayer (formerly Moms in Touch). This connection with moms of slightly older kids has been invaluable for me as I am still learning the world of elementary school, even in the thrid year! I'll message you the info :)
Thank you so much for the invitation! I would love to participate! Thanks for sharing your journey and taking the time to respond!
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