Saturday, July 21, 2012

Grief



Good grief.  Grief is partly defined as the loss of something to which a bond was formed. 

Recently, a friend from out of the country paid me a visit.  We took time to sit on the deck and chat over lemonades while our kids played barefoot in the grass… and naked in the pool.  As we processed different things going on in our lives, she reminded me, in response to one situation I shared, that I’m good at feeling guilty about many, many things. She, too, shares that experience.  She said that leading a charmed life makes one feel that he or she is not entitled to “freak out sessions” of their own.  3 healthy children? Check. Roof over my head? Check. Able body?  Check. Amazing husband? Check.  Loving and present family? Faithful, merciful, and intimate Savior?  Check.  Charmed life?  Check. How could I possibly have a freak out session?  Guilt.

So, “what do I do with that?” I asked.  She replied without missing a beat, “you entitle yourself to freak out and move on.  And if you need to revisit your freak out moment the next day, you do that and move on.  It’s your story and only you know how it feels.”

Silence. Light bulb.

Freedom to freak out? 

Fast-forward.

Tonight as we put the McBabies to bed, McBaby #1 requested that I be the one to read to her.  It was a bit surprising since we seemed at each other for a good portion of the day.  (Again, guilt…) We read a book about what it means to be a good friend.  She picked it out and the Lord used the book to tie into so many misfires from the day... for both of us.  After we read, talked, and prayed, she curled up in a little ball; wet hair, smell of clean-baby, smooth skin, seeing the very edge of a smile on her tiny little mouth as I watched her fall asleep from behind. Blessings.

After leaving her room, I passed McBaby #2’s room and the door was still open as McHusband put him to bed.  As he saw me, he called out “Mommy, rock me.” I came in – bone tired as I approach the eleven- nine- months pregnant mark and sat in the chair to rock him.  He nestled in – a feeling I’ve become very familiar with.  I’ve memorized the aroma of the nape of his neck, the sensation of kissing his squishy warm cheeks, the dimple in the back of his elbow as he drapes it across my neck in embrace.  And it set in.  Grief.  The feeling that two and a half years has already passed by since I held him in the place I’m soon to hold this new baby.  I felt my own version of loss as I thought about the boxes of too-small-clothes I’d just packed up from the kids and the legs that now dangled off of my lap as I tried to still rock and cuddle them.  I felt the impending loss of the-4-of-us the same way I did with the-3-of-us and the-2-of-us before that.  How many times will I feel this loss even when I know a greater gift awaits? 

And so, even though I've tangibly lost nothing, I freak out.  I feel the tears brimming my eyes, the sob stuck in my throat, the burning in my heart that asks God why it must all go by so quickly?  And as I let one little wimper out, McBaby #2 looks up and smiles – even though I’d thought him long out.

“Don’t be sad Momma.”

“Sometimes Mommy cries when I’m both sad and happy.  I love you.”

“I love you most.”

He leans in and gives me his signature smooch – lips puckered and a bit wet.  I’ll take it.  He instinctively knows my love language.

“Please don’t grow up too fast.”

“I don’t want to get back in my bed.”

“Okay.”

And so we rock some more.  Just because.  And I move on from my freak out and enjoy the wonder that is my children knowing that just hours before I told the McHusband that I hadn’t spent very much of the day savoring them. 

And I thank God for the gift of today, the gift of freshly bathed little bundles, for a baby kicking inside of me, and for sweet reminders of beautiful moments that transcend the constraints of time.

16 comments:

  1. How beautiful, Sarah. Thank you so much for sharing. It's always comforting to hear someone else has similar challenges and triumphs and to relive my own moments through yours, which you have so faithfully captured.

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    1. Annie, thanks for reading and for your response! We're all in this together! :)

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  2. "How many times will I feel this loss even when I know a greater gift awaits?" Wow. That can apply to so much that we fear or resist. I love how God worked it out for you to savor the babies tonight when you thought the day had slipped through your hands already. What we think are confessions to husbands or friends often end up as accidental prayers...and He surprises with answers even when we didn't fully ask. Beautiful words.

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    1. Thanks for your post Darcy! I love what you said about accidental prayers - what a loving God!

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  3. Well said! It is a loss - my oldest two are only 12 months apart, so there was very little 'just the 3 of us.' And just this year, I traded in my 4th and final van for a regular car. I don't miss the van - but I miss what it represented: A family of five taking many long trips together.

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    1. Time flies Laura! Sounds like you know that all too well right now! Thanks for reading and posting!

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  4. sobbing.
    Thank you for your tender heart and your vulnerability! I just love you so much Sarah!
    Kim Cogswell

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  5. This was so tender and caring. Those kids are lucky to have a wonderful mama...and don't worry - all moms have freak out moments! I seem to be having more and more as the school year nears. :( It's normal!!!

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    1. Thanks Emily... finally, someone telling me I'm normal! :0

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  6. Thanks for your post Tasha! What a great reminder that God is steadfast even when our world's feel so transient. And, yes, there is safety in numbers!!

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  7. Beautiful, Sarah! I can totally relate. Robby's going off to kindergarten in a few weeks...where does the time go?

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    1. Thanks Mandy! Miss you so much - hope you're doing well!

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  9. This brought tears to my eyes! Sarah, you are such a wonderful mom. This shows so much in the heart felt words.

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