Grief

Good grief.  Grief is partly defined as the loss of something to which a bond was formed. 

Recently, a friend from out of the country paid me a visit.  We took time to sit on the deck and chat over lemonades while our kids played barefoot in the grass… and naked in the pool.  As we processed different things going on in our lives, she reminded me, in response to one situation I shared, that I’m good at feeling guilty about many, many things. She, too, shares that experience.  She said that leading a charmed life makes one feel that he or she is not entitled to “freak out sessions” of their own.  3 healthy children? Check. Roof over my head? Check. Able body?  Check. Amazing husband? Check.  Loving and present family? Faithful, merciful, and intimate Savior?  Check.  Charmed life?  Check. How could I possibly have a freak out session?  Guilt.

So, “what do I do with that?” I asked.  She replied without missing a beat, “you entitle yourself to freak out and move on.  And if you need to revisit your freak out moment the next day, you do that and move on.  It’s your story and only you know how it feels.”

Silence. Light bulb.

Freedom to freak out? 

Fast-forward.

Tonight as we put the McBabies to bed, McBaby #1 requested that I be the one to read to her.  It was a bit surprising since we seemed at each other for a good portion of the day.  (Again, guilt…) We read a book about what it means to be a good friend.  She picked it out and the Lord used the book to tie into so many misfires from the day... for both of us.  After we read, talked, and prayed, she curled up in a little ball; wet hair, smell of clean-baby, smooth skin, seeing the very edge of a smile on her tiny little mouth as I watched her fall asleep from behind. Blessings.

After leaving her room, I passed McBaby #2’s room and the door was still open as McHusband put him to bed.  As he saw me, he called out “Mommy, rock me.” I came in – bone tired as I approach the eleven- nine- months pregnant mark and sat in the chair to rock him.  He nestled in – a feeling I’ve become very familiar with.  I’ve memorized the aroma of the nape of his neck, the sensation of kissing his squishy warm cheeks, the dimple in the back of his elbow as he drapes it across my neck in embrace.  And it set in.  Grief.  The feeling that two and a half years has already passed by since I held him in the place I’m soon to hold this new baby.  I felt my own version of loss as I thought about the boxes of too-small-clothes I’d just packed up from the kids and the legs that now dangled off of my lap as I tried to still rock and cuddle them.  I felt the impending loss of the-4-of-us the same way I did with the-3-of-us and the-2-of-us before that.  How many times will I feel this loss even when I know a greater gift awaits? 

And so, even though I've tangibly lost nothing, I freak out.  I feel the tears brimming my eyes, the sob stuck in my throat, the burning in my heart that asks God why it must all go by so quickly?  And as I let one little wimper out, McBaby #2 looks up and smiles – even though I’d thought him long out.

“Don’t be sad Momma.”

“Sometimes Mommy cries when I’m both sad and happy.  I love you.”

“I love you most.”

He leans in and gives me his signature smooch – lips puckered and a bit wet.  I’ll take it.  He instinctively knows my love language.

“Please don’t grow up too fast.”

“I don’t want to get back in my bed.”

“Okay.”

And so we rock some more.  Just because.  And I move on from my freak out and enjoy the wonder that is my children knowing that just hours before I told the McHusband that I hadn’t spent very much of the day savoring them. 

And I thank God for the gift of today, the gift of freshly bathed little bundles, for a baby kicking inside of me, and for sweet reminders of beautiful moments that transcend the constraints of time.

Road trip, letting go, & a guest post!

Recently I drove up to Detroit to visit some family.  It was just the McBabies and me as McHusband was out of town.  We spent our few days there around the table of their own restaurants, gathering for six-hour dinners, loads of laughter, and more dirty jokes than I've heard in some time.  The camaraderie was fun; corralling a 2-yr old McBaby #2 for that long in a crowded restaurant had its challenges.  As he played intently with their "Please Wait to be Seated" sign, I realized from what a long line of creative and over-protective Mediterranean women I come.  I was amazed at how many cleverly concocted ways they figured McBaby #2 could have injured himself on that seemingly-innocent little sign.

On the way home, McBaby #1 was begging me to read her book to her in the back seat.  (Thankfully, she just started reading a bit on her own and a whole new world is opening up!) After my repeated responses that I couldn't read and drive at the same time, she was getting quite upset and bored in the back seat.  In an effort to nip it in the bud, I expressed grave seriousness in saying that if I were to read, then get distracted, then hit another car, it could crash our car and we'd all be dead.  I know, I know, a little graphic for a 4 year old.  Hindsight is 20/20.  The look of heartbreak on her face was unforgettable.  Through tears, her sweet voice said "and Daddy would be all alone?" She started crying as she expressed the thought of her heart-broken daddy and, for the first time, I saw that she understood something about loss, something about letting go.  And, then, so did I.  I have early memories of grief and anxiety about potential loss - really, from her age.  While I would love to spare her of this burden, it is part of one's growing - no different than teething, leg cramps, or McBaby #2's out-of-control hair.

My sweet friend (happy birthday to her today by the way!!!) at Message in a Mason Jar has posted so beautifully on her blog about this process of holding on and letting go, that I want to pass the baton to her as we continue on this thread.  Click on the afore-mentioned link to head over there...

Le Ballon Rouge

Do you remember watching the film “Le Ballon Rouge” in school?  I can remember first seeing this beautiful French movie in elementary school and being moved even then.  The Albert Lamorisse film has hardly any dialogue, but portrays so much in its imagery and in watching the characters’ interactions.  The film takes place in Paris and reveals the story of a little boy who is followed around the city by a gigantic red balloon (ballon rouge).  Though many try to pop his prize and ruin his fun, ultimately the balloon prevails… the child’s spirit prevails. 

In trying to come up with a baby shower theme for one of my closest friends in the whole wide world, I thought this would fit beautifully!  She loves red, we both love France and have visited multiple times, she is a soul with her own adventurous spirit, and it would make for a great decorated table… French baguettes, vintage collectibles, and a giant red balloon!  After the shower and after posting some FB pics, I had a lot of questions about things, so I decided to make a blog post all about it!  Here ya go...

Here is a pic from the film... how awesome is the red balloon standing out amongst the old grays of the buildings.  (Parts of the film reportedly take place in north of Paris in the Montmartre area.  That is where we stayed on our last visit a few years back and it was UH-MAZING.  Also, the area is virtually unrecognizable today as the same place say film critics.)  

Here is an image I found as my muse when I started googling and "Pinteresting" images...

Then I discovered that these balloons, at the cheapest I could find them, were $7.99 apiece.  Choke.  Ok, so I'm not planning a celebrity wedding here... time to get creative and modify... here is the invitation.  It's a combo of brown cards and envelopes I bought at Hobby Lobby, printed images I found by googling, and a large fabric balloon attached with spray adhesive.  

Did you know you can find websites and download awesome fonts yourself that make things look custom?  Check out www.dafont.com

Here is what I came up with... thank goodness the weather was PARFAIT and we were able to have everything outdoors... 20 place settings total.

I racked my brain trying to think of a party favor.  Anything that's affordable (dollar store, Target $1 bin, etc.) wouldn't really be worth carrying home and we already had so many food things available.  So, I saw an idea for party favors that were fabric flower pins... I loved that!  Then, I thought, why don't I just make some and then hot glue papers to them that they can rip off when they leave... name tags AND favors!

HERE is the link to those fabric flowers and an incredible site about beautiful baby showers in general... there are TONS of tutorials online and on pinterest if you'd like to learn to make them yourself.  Let me add that everything about doing this shower was a pleasure except for the repeated hot freakin' glue gun burns that I endured while making 20 rosettes!!

The gorgeous momma-to-be...

Here are some shots of the preggo we were celebrating and the other gal hosting with me...

 All three of us crazies are expecting bebes this summer!

 Here are a couple of other shots...

If you'd like to read a HILARIOUS blog about one gal's cake-pop-making-adventures, check this out HERE.  I had better luck, but not by much... the darn things can make you crazy.

(All of the ugliest ones are in the back.)

 Au revoir!!

Claire Dunphy, please move aside...

Our road is undergoing some major construction and will be closed for the next couple of months.  In an effort to warn drivers of upcoming detours, barricades were placed on the road.  The barricades were placed in a way that was causing a huge bottleneck in the the intersection and also causing folks to nearly nip each other if 2 cars tried to simultaneously fit between them.  Being that the detour was only south of the barricades, I figured someone would come move the ones placed in the northbound lane.  Nope.  So, after 2 weeks, I decided to track down the city, figure out who was in charge of road engineering, and take it up with that guy.  Once I figured that out, I first expressed my thanks and excitement for the renovation, then I went on to explain the current problems with the street blocks and, in my opinion, the potential solutions.  The very same day, one barricade was moved over and one was removed - solving the problem. I called the McHusband excited that this stay-at-home-mom was a mover and shaker in the town.  Ok, not really, but it was a small victory!  As much as we drive around, I was excited for a safer and less annoying intersection.  Kudos to the town for their quick response to a resident's complaint and suggestion!

Those of you who watch Modern Family, you can appreciate that this was my version of Claire's stop sign.  Where are we driving?  Glad you asked... here are the places we've been in the last week... kinda a tour of the amenities in our area, it seems...

(party at the pastor's house)

(Conner Prairie)

(At the wishing "well")

(At Cool Creek Park)

(At the dentist)

(At the grocery... obviously)

(At Founders Park... our first time and loved it!)

Not sure exactly what McBaby #2 is plotting here...

Sew fun

So, in the spirit of nesting, I have been in seamstress sewing-hack mode.  I have been enjoying taking time to cook and sew.  Barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, of course.  I've had a couple of opportunities lately to go to trunk shows.  One was for Matilda Jane Clothing and the other for Bricolage Girls (see links).  Both specialize in little girls' dresses and are BEAUTIFUL!!! I've been trying to make my own little dresses for McBaby #1 and for gifts for other little ones.  Occasionally, I get my own online store going again, but it definitely, ahem, ebbs and flows.  That is Zion House (see link), by the way.  Here are 2 dresses I've sewn this week.  If you're interested in making your own, here is an awesome free tutorial and pattern from a blogger that served as a helpful launching pad for me.

Took this shot on Easter weekend as I started my 6th month.  My 7th begins this weekend and I can't believe it!!!  Enjoying this season, feeling the baby kick a ton, and praying for good sleep from here on out! 

Tangled

I remember reading a book by Dr. Laura (not my normal kind of read, but, still, I found it to be a good book on parenting) and she made an interesting observation about quality versus quantity time.  She argued that while quality time is, of course, the most important, that time is hardest to "force".  So, if you don’t have the quantity of time with your children, you may miss out on many quality moments.  Does that mean to spend every waking moment with your child?  I don’t think so, but it sure makes me glad to have many, many, many moments with them so that I experience some of their most special ones.

I think this is the way with lots of other things, one of them being writing.  Every time I sit down to journal – privately (in my notebooks) or publicly (in my blog) isn’t necessarily insightful or clarity-inducing.  But, the consistency of doing it helps me have a better opportunity of landing on something.  Quantity often allows for quality to rise to the top, maybe??

That being said, today’s blog is just part consistency and part scrapbooking.  Not necessarily anything profound here… but, an idea hit me in the face. Literally. 

 We had a joint birthday party for the McBabies at the end of the year since their birthdays are only a few weeks apart.  It was Tangled themed since we all love the movie and since I have a crush on Flynn Rider.  McBaby #1 and I braided a ridiculously long Rapunzel hairpiece that still often hangs off of our banister as it has this week (which was exactly what hit me in the face).   I make  an effort to place very few rules about the braid so they don't get any ideas... ("don't hop over the edge on your braid guys!", "don't put it around anyone's neck", they've come up with a few others.)

Here's the invitation.  The male lead in the film is "Flynn Rider".  It worked out perfectly that McBaby #2 could be "(McLau)ghlin Rider".  In retrospect, I wouldn't have put that line break after "come for a joint"... haha...

And like every good party, someone ends up stripping down to their skivvies!